The Epic Party In Snape's Pants
by Barb'sTobaccoZpenis
Summary: Snape gets some!
1. Quittage and Big Butts

**Chapter 1 **

A gentle breeze went under Snape's ropes, it made him smile. He was on top of a grassy hill having the best picnic of his life. It was just him and his secret best friend, Ron.

"Snape!" Ron yelled, "look at that cloud, it looks just like a boggy!"

"Shut up, I'm concentrating" Snape was using a charm to see long distances. With this charm he was watching the all girls quittage team play naked.

Snape had discovered that on the first friday of every month the girls played quittage naked, so every first friday of the month he went on top of a hill and watched the girls play. He enjoyed these games very much.

Ron sat up, "I don't get why you enjoy watching them play, their not good at quittage at all"

Snape scowled, "RON! I don't care if they are good or not, I only care that they are naked."

"I still don't get it" Ron looked at Snape, "I would much rather watch Harry play"

Snape was about to bitch slap Ron for saying the "h" word, but he heard someone coming up the hill.

"Someone is coming!" Ron screamed, he tried to run away but Snape grapped him by the collar.

"Mr. Weasley, 10 points from Gryffindor!" Snape shouted.

Hermione Granger was the one walking up the hill, "Ron what are you doing up here?" She looked confused.

Snape frowned at her, "Mr. Weasley was watching the girls quittage team playing naked, I came up here and made him stop"

"Yeah, Yeah that was what was happening" Ron said as he walked towards Hermione.

"Now both of you get out of here" Snape yelled, "Before I give both of you detentions for being ugly in public"

"Yes Mr. Snape" Hermione said as she started to walk away, "Come on Ron".

"OK" Ron turned to Snape and gave him a wink, then he left with Hermione.

Snape stood there alone for awhile, and then went back to watching the girls play, but then he noticed that the girls were done playing, this made him sad. So Snape packed up his picnic blanket into his purse and walked back to the castle.

Snape decided to take a short cut back to the castle through the green house. When Snape got to the green house, he saw the hottest thing he had ever seen before, Prof. Sprout.

Her ass was in the air while she was looking for tools in her lower cabinate. Snape just stood there and looked at it, the only thought in his head was, I need to drug this bitch. So Snape skipped to the potions room, he had a love potion to make.


	2. The Mission for Sex

**Chapt**er 2

Snape threw some more rare spices into the container. He had been making this potion for ten minutes and he was almost done. All he had to add now was some unicorn arm pit hair.

While Snape looked for the hair, Prof. Slughorn walked in. He looked at Snape in a very confused way, "Snape, I thought I was brought here to be the potions teacher, not you"

Snape started to stir the potion,"I'm just making a potion, I'll be out of here in a few seconds."

Slughorn walked closer to Snape, "As the potions master, you must tell me what you are making."

"HORACE" Snape turned to Slughorn with his wand out, "If you don't get the hell out of here right now, I will turn your dick into a snake!"

Slughorn frowned and left the room. Snape smiled, now he could finish making the potion in peace.

After the hair mixed with the potion, it was complete. So Snape smiled and took out a flask. He filled the flask with the love potion and left the room, their was no way in hell that he was going to clean up the mess he made.

Snape was going to the great hall to slip the potion into Prof. Sprout's wine, but before he got their, he was stopped by some blond kid.

The kid looked at Snape, "Hi Snape, can you help me with the mission that You Know Who gave me"

"Who the fuck are you!" Snape yelled, he really had no clue who this little shit was.

The boy frowned, "My names Draco" Snape still had no clue who he was, "Ive been your favorite student for six years...". Snape slapped the blond girl for wasting his time and went back to walking to the great hall.

At the great hall, all the students were eating house elf shit. Snape was disgusted by the horrible food surronding him. He was very happy that the staff ordered food from KFC today.

When Snape got to the staff table he sat next to Sprout, she ate a chicken leg in one bite, bone and all. This gave Snape a boner.

He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Look! Albus is humping Hagrid". While Sprout turned to look, Snape poured the potion into her wine cup.

She turned to Snape and said, "Oh, Dear. I must have missed it" She looked at her cup of wine, "Did you put something in my drink?"

Snape nodded, he still thought that she might drink the cup.

Sprout threw the cup on the floor and shouted, "HELP! this pervert is trying to drug me!"

She was about to waddle away, but Snape caught her and put a napkin over her mouth. She passed out.


	3. Dumbledor Explains EVERYTHING

Chapter 3

Snape sat on the floor starring at Sprout, she was still asleep. Snape liked the way she snored. While Snape waited for her to wake up, he decided to play some tic tac tow against himself.

After six games of losing, Prof. Spout woke up. She had a dazed look on her face.

"Good Morning" Snape smiled.

"Ow my head" Prof. Sprout rubbed her head, then she looked at Snape, "Oh, hello sexy!"

Snape took her hand, "Prof. Sprout, are you ready for are sex filled date?"

"Please, call me Pomona" She smiled, "You are so sexy"

"Then lets go" Snape helped her up and they left the great hall together.

Snape was about to put his sprout into Prof. Sprout, but a small first year stopped him.

"Prof. Snape, I have a message for you" the boy looked scared.

Snape snarled, "What the fuck are you doing, I'm trying to rape this bitch!"

"I'm sorry but..." the boy looked at his feet, "but Prof. Dumbledor wants to see you in his office" the boy then screamed and ran away.

Snape then pushed Sprout over, "We'll finish this later Pollo, I have to go"

As Snape ran Pomona fell on her knees, "Come back sexy man!"

Snape really wanted to bang that bitch, but he had to see what Dumbledor wanted, bros are more important than hos.

When Snape got to Dumbledor's office, Albus wasn't there, so Snape took a piss in the pensive. After the four hour pee was over, Snape pulled up his skirt and started to leave, but before he could go, Dumbledor came in.

"I'm sorry I was late Severus" Dumbledor sat befind his desk, "I was caught in traffic"

"This better be important" Snape snaped, "I was about to get some much needed sexy"

Albus bowed his head, "I really am sorry Severus, but I have very important things to talk with you about" he paused, "Do you remeber what we talked about over the summer?"

Snape looked confused, he didn't remeber seeing Dumbledor over the summer, he didn't remeber his summer period.

"SERVERUS!" Dumbledor scowled, "We talked about very important things!"

"I don't remeber my summer" Snape shouted, "I only remeber very little"

Dumbledor looked curious, "what do you remeber?"

Snape held his head, "Well I remeber going to Nocturn Alley, and I went shopping at a new store called, Alecia's Weed Emporium. The shop owner gave me a sample of some acid, then every thing went dark" Snape paused, "And that's everything I can remeber"

"Oh" Dumbledor frowned, "then i'll give you a recap"

"Thankyou beautiful" Snape smiled.

"Well I told you some new jokes I learned, and I told you that you have to kill me" Dumbledor looked serious.

Snape's eyes widened, "But but... I can't kill you, were in a bromance."

Dumbledor touched Snape's shoulder, "You must Severus, It's the only you can gain Voldemort's trust, also you made the unbrakeable vow with Bellatrix's mistress."

"I better not have made a vow about sex!" Snape yelled, "I don't want to have sex with any fugly whores, my body is a fugly free zone!"

"No, its nothing like that" Dumbledor smiled, "You just vowed to kill me"

Snape scowled, "But I don't want to kill you, if I kill you, my social life at Hogwarts will go down the fucking drain" Snape shouted, "Filtch will be cooler than me if I kill you!"

Dumbledor stood up,"We are done talking about this" Albus started to leave, "I'm getting my nails done at Gays are US"

For the first time in three days, Snape lowered his head and cried. The only thought he had was, how a day that started so good, could go so bad.


	4. The Horny Living Dead

Chapter 4

The next morning, Snape awoke to the sound of banging. This really pissed off Snape, so he went to his livingroom with his wand out.

His living room was filled with house elves. They were having a house party there.

"Get the fuck out" Snape yelled.

All the elves looked at Snape. One of them then spoke, "Let's jump on him"

Snape's anger level was almost at his peak, so he grapped the nearest house elf and put his wand in its face, "You all better get out! Or I'll kill this thing!"

"His bluffing" shouted an elf. They all started to dance.

"Avada Kedavra" a green light burst out of Snape's wand. The house elf fell lifelessly. Then Snape threw the dead thing out the window.

The other house elves started to run away, but Snape was fast with his wand. He was able to kill ten of the twelve elves that were there.

Snape smiled at all the dead bodies. He had a very good morning.

Snape had breakfest at the great hall, but Prof. Sprout wasn't there, so he sat at a table by himself.

Prof. McGonagall came up to Snape, "Hey Snape come sit by us". Snape smiled, he was finally invited to sit at the cool table.

Snape sat next to McGonagall, he had the best breakfest of his slimy life.

While leaving the great hall, Snape saw Prof. Sprout. He grapped her ass and yelled, "Ready for sex?" that was a rhetorical question.

Sprout shoved Snape off and screamed, "HELP! This pervert is trying to rape me!"

Snape was disgusted that his love potion wore off, so he took his wand out and pointed it a Sprout, "Imperio!"

Sprout turned around and said in a robot like voice, "hello sexy".

That pleased Snape, he then jumped on her and started the sex, but then he noticed that everybody in the hall was starring. So Snape guilded Sprout out of the hall, they had to find a more private place to have sex at.

Snape took her to a bathroom and they started to have sex in a stall. Right when Snape was about to let it all come out, a girl screamed befind him.

Snape turned around with his wand and yelled, "Avada Kedavra!" the spell went through the little girl, the girl was a ghost.

"Get the hell out of my bathroom you gross fucks" the ghost screamed she was starring at Snape. Snape was about to cuss this girl out but he heard someone enter the bathroom, so Snape closed the stall door and hid.

The foot steps got louder, Snape looked under the stall and watched. It was McGonagall.

She went to the middle of the bathroom and put her hands in her pants. Their was a smile on her face.

The ghost appeared befind her and yelled, "NO MASTERBAITING!"

McGonagall turned around with her wand and yelled, "Avada Kedavra", the spell went through the ghost.

"Whats with all the perverts!" the ghost cried.

McGonagall glared at the ghost, "You saw nothing!"

The ghost laughed, "I saw all you perverts having sex, I can't wait to tell the giant squid!"

McGonagall pointed her wand at the nearest toilet, "Forget all the events you saw in here, or the toilet goes bye bye"

"NO" the ghost cried, "That's my favorite toilet. I won't tell anyone, just let the toilet live!"

The toilet exploded, "You better not tell anyone of this or all the toilets will blow up!" She smiled and walked out of the bathroom.

The ghost cried and flew into a toilet.

Snape turned back around towards Sprout to finish the job, but when he turned around he saw that Sprout had flushed herself down the toilet.

Snape left to get the plunger.


	5. A Western Showdown

Chapter 5

After Snape plungered for more than an hour he got tired and went into depression because he had lost a chance to have sex again. So he went to the nearest bar and got totally wasted.

Snape had nine beers, he was so drunk that he thought the bartender looked like Dumbledor, but Snape knew that couldn't be true.

The bartender looked at Snape, "tough day guy?"

"I hate my life" Snape slurred.

"What's the matter?" the bartender started to clean a cup, "Want to talk about it?"

Snape thought for a second and shouted, "I need to kill Dumbledor, also I lost my sex toy!"

"You should totally kill Dumbledor" the bartender then asked, "Where was the last place you saw your sex toy?"

"The toilet" Snape said.

The bartender looked at Snape curiously, the same way Dumbledor does,"Did you check the toilet!"

"Yes!" shouted Snape, "Why is getting sex so hard?"

The bartender commented, "If you want sex so bad, just rape the next person to come in"

Snape smiled, "That's a great idea Frank!"

"My name is not Frank, its Albe..." the bartender was interupted by the sound of the door opening.

"Sex Time!" Snape shouted, he ran towards the person who came in.

It was a black kid that entered, Snape was so desprete that he didn't care. He just started to hump the boy.

Someone then entered behind the boy, it was the girl version of Ron. She threw Snape off of the black boy and said with a very demented face, "Leave him alone!"

Snape stood up, "Back off bitch, he's mine"

Girl Ron spat at Snape's feet and got her wand out. "Get the Fuck out!"

"NO!" Snape yelled as he got his wand out, "You get the fuck out!"

A green light shot out of Snape's wand, the girl dodged it and sent a red light out of her wand towards Snape. Snape hit the spell back at her, but she was fast and dodged this spell too.

Snape sent a red light out of his wand, while the girl was dodging that one, he shot another red spell. The girl hit the spell with her flat chested boobs, it sent the spell towards Snape at a very fast speed, Snape was not ready for it and got hit right in the chest, he was flung to the other side of the bar.

"Come on Dean" the girl started to leave, "That weak freak is done for"

Snape got up quickly and shot a strong red spell at the girl, it hit her right in the back, she fell over and passed out. The black boy picked up the fugly ginger and ran away.

Bartender Frank looked at Snape, "You just unhonnorable attacked her when she wasn't looking!"

Snape smiled, "I don't give a shit!" The duel that Snape had made his self esteem go up "I will not be desprete anymore!"

The bartender then asked, "What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to find Sprout and give her the best rape of my life" Snape then left the bar.


	6. Medical Science knows Shit

Chapter 6

Barf flew everywhere out of Snape's mouth, he was on the floor doggie style. Snape just thought it was from all the beer he drank, but he wasn't too sure. So he went to the hospital wing.

The hospital wing was empty, the only one there was an old lady who was dressed up like a faggy nun.

"Hay!" Snape yelled, "I think I'm sick"

She starred at Snape, "Take off your ropes and we shall start the examination."

So Snape took off his robes like a good boy, he was completley naked.

The lady checked Snape out for a good hour. She grapped his man boobs, felt his nuts and picked his nose. She finally stopped and said, "You have wisard cancer."

Snape cried and fell to the floor "Dameit!"

The old lady smiled, "I'm just fucking with you, you are in fine shape."

"But why was I barfing?" Snape asked.

The gay nun shruged her shoulders, "I don't know, if you want I could cut you open and look inside of you."

"Sure" Snape said, he then followed her instructions and laid on a bed.

"Here you go" she gave him a gas mask, "Put this on and you'll go asleep so I can start this shit"

So Snape put the mask on, after 2.35920 seconds he passed out.

Snape woke up with tons of pain in his chest, he looked at his chest and it was cut open. The nun was cutting into Snape with a rusty spoon.

"What the hell are you doing!" Snape yelled, "Why arn't you using your wand for this!"

The nun frowned, "Whats a wand?"

This pissed off Snape so he pulled his wand out.

He cut open the old lady's skin and threw the spoon in there. Then he closed her skin.

"Have fun with that" Snape smiled. Then he left the hospital wing, and never returned.

Snape decided that he would need some illegal drugs so he decided to go to Hagrid's hut. So he started to walk outside.

On his way to Hagrid's, he saw Ron, so Snape petted his head and said, "Hi Ronron, how are you"

Ron looked at Snape in shock, "what happened to your face?"

Snape felt his face, "That bitch better have not touched my sexy face or I'll have some killing to do!"

Ron yelped, "You!" he paused, "You have freckles!"

Snape slapped Ron for lying and walked away. Their was no way in hell that he had freckles.

When Snape got to Hagrid's, Hargrid gave him a big hug, "Hey Snape, how are you"

"I feel sick" Snape smiled, "I need some drugs"

Hagrid picked up Snape and took him inside, "I have just the thing you need"

In the hut, Hagrid put Snape infront of a container that was filled with green slim.

Hagrid smiled, "That's turtle pee, dip your nipples in there and you will feel great!"

Snape was about to throw this shit on Hagrid, but then their was a knock at the door. Hagrid went to awnser it.

When Hagrid opened the door, a gothish girl ran in and shouted, "I need a dildo!"

Hagrid looked confused, so Snape stood up and yelled, "Get the fuck out!" the girl then bowed her head and ran out.

'You understood her!" Hagrid said in shock.

Snape sneered, "Hagrid, she was speaking english, of course I understood her"

Hagrid looked worried, "Snape" he pause, "That girl was speaking dyke"

"But only fugly people know dyke!" Snape shouted.

Hagrid looked at Snape in the eyes, "Then you must be fugley because you can speak it too."

"How can I speak something that I never have heard before?" Snape ran out the front door crying.

Snape angerly yelled, "I have freckles and speak dyke" he started to bang his fist on the ground. "Why WHY WHY!" Snape passed out.


	7. The Recruitment for Snape's Army

Chapter 7

Snape woke up, some how he was on his bed, for a second he was happy because he thought it was a dream, but then he looked in a mirror.

His face was covered with red freckles, Snape let out a scream. Then randomly a rock broke through Snape's window.

Snape examined the rock, their was a piece of paper tied around it. Snape read the letter.

_Dear Snape the Whore_

_We have had enough of your bullshit and want to set the record straight. Tonight we shall be waiting for you in the Forbidden Forest. We will have a little "party". If you don't show up, then the sprout will be lost forever. LOVE Ginny. _

Snape knew it would be risky, but he had to go there so Prof. Sprout wouldn't get hurt. He needed her body to be intact for when they have sex.

Snape was getting worried so he decided to try and get help from Ron.

He was able to find Ron at the great hall eating crap. Ron was eating tons of food, Snape finally knew why Ron was getting a big jelly belly.

"Hay fatty" Snape yelled, he sat next to Ron.

Food spilled out of his mouth, "I'm not fat!"

"Keep telling yourself that" Snape rubbed Ron's new belly.

Ron pushed Snape away and said, "What do you want?"

Snape gave him the letter.

Ron looked at the letter, "I can't read!"

Snape took the letter back and shouted, "Your fucked up sister is planning on murdering me tonight!"

"Oh" said Ron, "That's not good!"

"I know" Snape yelled, "I need you to come with me tonight and fight her with me"

Ron shook his head, "I can't fight Ginny! Shes family!"

"But I'm your best friend" Snape shouted, "Remeber all those nights we watched Bob the Builder together?"

"I know" Ron whispered, "But I can't help you" He sniffed, "I'm so sorry" he then ran away crying.

Snape watched the fat kid run away. If Ron was going to be useless then their was only one person who might help him, Dumbledor.

When Snape got into the office he found the gay nun twirling a wand around.

She looked at Snape, "I found my girl friends dildo!" she smiled.

"Where is Dumbledor" Snape asked.

The nun shouted, "Oh! He went to the astronomy tower for some reason." she paused to think, "I think he's going to meet Harry Potter up there."

Snape screamed, "Never use his name around me!" Snape then stormed out, he had to get to Dumbledor.

Dumbledor was standing on the top of the tower by himself, Snape got there and hugged him, "Oh baby, I need your help"

"I need your help too Serverus" Dumbledor smiled, "I need you to do your job tonight."

Snape yelled, "NO" he shouted louder, "I will not!"

Dumbledor graped Snape's hair, "You must" he hugged Snape again, "I'm going on a trip with a little boy tonight, I'll be here at midnight, You must be here before the deatheaters and kill me infront of them"

Snape cried, "Please don't make me" tears were running down his face, "Please!"

Dumbledor looked Snape in the eyes, "You must Severus. Sware to me that you will kill me tonight, the way I told you to."

"I will not!" Snape shouted.

"Severus, It's what Lily would have wanted" Dumbledor looked into Snape's soul.

Snape cried, "I'll do it!" Snape then shouted, "I don't want to but I will". He started to walk away. On his way he ran into Harry, Snape was about to slap this kid but he knew Dumbledor was watching, so he left him alone.

The sun was setting while he stood infront of the forest. Snape had decided that tonight he would save Sprout from the fugly girl and have sex with Sprout before he had to kill Dumbledor.

As Snape started to walk into the forest, the gothish girl ran out of the forest and graped Snape's shoulder.

She shouted in a manley voice, "Tonight the sex slave shall return to the master and the destiny of the world shall be decided by a sexy, nonfugly man!" She then transformed to Dumbledor's phinox Fox and flew away.

Snape stood their for awhile and decided that she was one fucked up dyke. The sun had finally set. Snape walked into the forest by himself, with no friends to help him.


	8. A Vagina that Opens at the Close

Chapter 8

The forest was dark, Snape usually liked the dark, but he really didn't like it now.

Snape walked into the middle of an opening. He heard footsteps all around him, he looked around to see that he was surrounded by Gryffindor students.

They all were starring at him, so he shouted, "All of you get out of here, or else you'll be sorry"

The students got closer to him. Snape then pointed his finger in the air and yelled, "2,000,000 points from Gryffindor!" the students kept walking closer, Snape really thought that would make them stop, but it didn't.

Then someone shouted, "Leave him alone!" Snape knew that had to be Ron.

A ginger walked into the circle of Gryffindors, it wasn't Ron though. It was Ron's fugley sister.

"I will be the one to kill you Serverus Snape" She smiled, "I want to see the light leave your eyes" she pulled out her wand. "Ready to die?"

Snape got out his wand too, their was no turning back.

"Avada Kedavra!" a powerful green light flew out of her wand.

Snape started to get a defensive spell out of his wand, but then a green light flew out of his wand. It hit the whore's curse, a bright light was in the middle of their curses. Their wands were linked.

"What the hell is gong on!" the fugly shit yelled.

Snape had no clue what was going, but he was happy that he wasn't dead.

Both the wands stopped shooting magic and the two of them stood still their together, starring at eachother.

"What the fuck was that!" She yelled.

Hermione Granger walked into the cirlce, "I've read about this" she paused to think, "It was in Magic for Idiots by Gilderoy Lockhart" she cleared her throat. "It is stated in magic law the fuglyness can't destroy other fugly things. So when you tried to kill this bitch teacher, your wands linked with eachother."

"Aw, thats no fun" Ginny said, "I can't kill him"

Dean walked into the circle, "Let me do it, let me kill him!"

Ginny slapped him and shouted, "I have a better idea, I want to see him in pain." She turned to Hermione, "Get your cat"

Hermione got a small bag out and took a kitty out of it, she put the kitty on the ground.

She then pointed at Snape, "Crookshanks!" She paused, "KILL!"

Snape ran for it, he broke the circle by pushing Longbottum out of the way.

He used all his speed to run away but he could hear the cat getting closer, it was hissing.

Snape got out of the forest and started to run for the castle, he looked behind and saw that the cat was right behind him. Right before the cat got a bite of Snape, Hagrid tackled the cat.

The cat tore off his beard and started to drag him into the forest.

Hargrid yelled, "Snape run!"

So Snape ran and ran and ran.

Snape got to the castle doors, right before he opened them, they opened by themselves. Lavender Brown, Lee Jorden and Seamus Finnigan walked out with their wands pointing at Snape.

Lavender smiled, "Where do you think your going?".

Together the three of them attacked Snape. Snape was able to block their attacks but they kept coming closer and he was getting tired. He didn't know how much longer he could keep this up for.

Ron ran out of the castle with his wand out.

Lavender shouted, "Finish him with us!"

Ron pointed his wand at her, "Leave my friend alone, you BITCH!"

Snape and Ron fought together against the three Gryffindors. With their combined strength they were able to take down the short black kid, that left two left.

Seamus was so scared by their power that he ran away, which left Lavender against Ron and Snape.

Snape smiled at Ron, "Together!" they had a red light shot out of their wands at the same time. Their spells mixed together and hit Lavender right in the chest, she fell over.

Snape ran to her and kicked her in the head, "Wheres Sprout!"

She spitted blood, "I can't tell, if I do then she'll kill me!"

"Tell me!" Snape roared, he kicked her again.

"Its weird, you remind me of Ginny" She cried, "She's in the chamber of secrets!"

Snape pointed his wand at her, he said, "Obliviate!" her eyes closed her eyes.

"You killed her!" Ron shouted.

Snape smiled, "No I'm just erasing their memories for when the freckled bitch comes" Then he erased the other ones mind. Snape stood up.

Ron smiled, "What's next?"

Snape frowned, "You can't help me" he started to walk towards the doors.

Ron ran infront of Snape, "I'll help you no matter what!"

"I'm sorry" Snape said, then he pulled his wand out and pointed it at Ron. "Obliviate!" he shouted, then Ron fell over.

Snape ran into the castle, he hated himself for making Ron forget their friendship, but he didn't want Ron to join Snape as a deatheater, its a really sucky job.

He ran to the girls bathroom, he had an hour to save Sprout, An hour before he had to kill Dumbledor.


	9. Troll in the Sewers

Chapter 9

Snape snuck into the girls room, he was pleased to see that the bitch ghost wasn't there. He walked up to the sink.

The sink had a snake ingraved into, it might be a penis, Snape wasn't too sure. Snape knew that he had to bullshit some snake talk to get in there, so he tried his best.

"jsknkjfnkajfbkasjlfbu" he gurgled. The sinks opened and Snape saw a giant hole the leaded to the chamber.

"This better not be the only hole I go into tonight" he said. Then he jumped into the hole. The hole reminded him of the Mcdonald playplace his dad took him, except with less throw up.

When Snape got to the bottom, he fell on tons of bones. Snape picked one up and put it into his pants, "This will make all the girls think I have a big thingy". Then he adventured deeper in.

The first challenge he met in the chamber was a door! So Snape bullshited some more snake talk and the door opened. Snape excepted the chamber to be full of tests and traps, but the only thing guarding the chamber was the door, nothing else.

Snape finally got to the chamber. It was filled with snake heads that Snape thought were penises. At the end of the sewershit chamber was a head of an old man, his mouth was opened for any incoming blow jobs.

The chamber was empty, this really pissed off Snape, that whore must have lied, Sprout was nowhere to be found. He turned around to leave and saw the fugly ginger fuck standing infront of the only door smiling.

"Hello again Snape" She shouted, "I found a great way to kill you, it will let me see you in pain!"

Snape was disgusted, "Listen Bitch! I don't have time for your bull shit" He snarled, "We both know we can't kill eachother!"

The whore laughed, "I know that silly" she smiled, "But I can delay you"

Snape was shocked, how did this fugly creep know that he had to kill Dumbledor soon, "Delay?"

"Yes, I will delay you from leaving the chamber." She waved her hands around the chamber, "Soon the chamber shall be flooded, and you will drown."

Snape didn't like the sound of that, "Fl- flooded?"

"Fl- flooded?" she mocked, "Yes, Moaning Mertale will be flushing every toilet in the school soon, which will cause the chamber to flood!" she laughed again, "I'll watch you drown, I brought some gilly weed" she patted her training bra, "so I can watch everything!"

"Fuck you" Snape shouted, he pulled out his wand.

"Yes" the bitch grinned, "Let's start this useless stand off that will end your life" she pulled out her wand too.

Together they both shouted, "Avada Kevada!" green light shooted out of both of their wands. The bright light met right in the middle, the wands were connected.

Then the drains roared with the sound of water and shit. The chamber started to fill with water!

Water was rushing in fast, it was already up to his kankles, it wouldn't be that much time before the water was over his head.

His only way out was blocked by the whore, and he couldn't get past her anyway because of the connection between them.

"Your so weak" she laughed, "How does it feel to be fugly?"

Snape snarled, "Your fuglyer!" that was his lame comeback.

Miss. Fugly smiled, "We are both the same amount of fugly, My fuglyness lives in you!"

Snape gasped, "You did this to me!"

"Yes" she starred at Snape with hatred, "During are duel, when my lovley boobs hit your spell, it filled the air with my fuglyness, my fuglyness latched on the only sexy thing in the room" she smiled, "YOU!"

"You will die for giving me freckles!" Snape then broke the connection and her curse flew straight at him. Snape threw off his shirt and hit the curse with his freckled manboobs. The curse reflected off them and hit the fugly whore right in the head. She fell into the water that was up to Snape's waist.

Snape had finally killed the bitch, he may have not found the live sexy toy, but he had killed one really fugly girl.

As Snape hurried out of the chamber he saw his reflection, he didn't have anymore freckles! Snape smiled, it was good to be sexy again.

Snape decided that he would steal the gilly weed from the fugly corpse and just swim back to the surface.

The gilly weed was in her bra so Snape started feeling around that area.

The whore jumped on Snape and started to strangle him, "I WILL KILL YOU!"

Snape fell backwards into the shitty sewer water. The whore clutched her nails into his throat. They started to fight under the water.

The whore's nails were deep in Snape's skin, he could feel them touch his neck bone. So Snape started pulling her by the hair. Snape was starting run out of air.

When his vision started to get blurry he tried swiming to the surface of the water, but the whore kept him down. As Snape drowned he put his hands in his pants and pulled out his wand, he despretly tried to use it but he couldn't say anything underwater.

Snape tried hitting the red bitch with his wand, but he kept missing, He finally got a good shot at her and plunged the wand up her nose. Her eyes started to pop out of her head.

She let go of Snape because she was trying to pull the wand out, Snape grapped the wand and put it and her up out of the water.

Snape shouted, "Incendio!" The whore's head burst into flames. She started to sink in the water. Snape pulled out his wand and grapped the gilly weed.

His head was almost at the ceiling of the chamber, he ate the gilly weed quickly. Gils started to appear around his skin, he plunged under water.

He watched the fugley whore with the melted face sink to the bottom.

Snape swam away laughing, "Her skeleton will lie in the chamber forever"


	10. Wtf

Chapter 9.75

The toilet rumbled, Snape jumped out of it. When he landed on the bathroom floor his gils went away.

The bathroom ghost starred at him, "How the hell are you still alive!"

Snape pointed his wand at her.

She laughed, "I'm a ghost, you can't do anything to me!"

"Bombarda Maxima!" Snape shouted, all the toilets in the room exploded.

The ghost fell to the floor, "NOOOO!" She laid on the floor moaning, Snape laughed and left the room, he had final shit to do.

As Snape walked to the tower he almost stepped on a toad, instead of smashing it, he decided to examine it.

On its belly their was writing in marker, it said _Property of Long Bottom._

Snape knew that Ron would be sad that his sister died so this would make a great replacement, he pointed his wand at it, when he tapped his wand on it, it turned into the ginger whore.

This gave Snape a great laugh as the newly made girl hopped away.

Now he went back walking to the tower.

Chapter 10

As Snape waited for the staircase to change, he heard laughter.

Twenty floors ahead was Bellatrix Lestrange, she and a few other deatheaters were walking into the tower. Snape cursed, they beat him there.

Snape really had to get up there but the fucking staircases wouldn't move the right direction, he had told the staff that they should have regular staircases, but no they all wanted kewl moving ones. So Snape waited.

As Snape walked into the tower he heard Dumbledore bitching to the death eaters, it wasn't too late. He was about to walk up the staires, but then he saw the dumb shit Potter. Snape flicked him off.

Dumbledore has pinned by the balcony, some blonde girl was pointing her wand at the old gay man.

"I once knew a boy just like you" Dumbledore smiled, "Me and him had fun adventures in my "office", but then he made all the wrong choices".

Beallatrix looked so excited that Snape could see water running down her leg, "I KILLED SERIOUS BLACK!"

Their was an akward silence, then things got tense again.

The werewolf dyke death eater then yelled, "U ight I culd stand yo azz sumtime Rns I wanted 2 beat yo azz 1day/ a few timez But if ppl wuld fuck wit chu More den n3d b I wuld fuck dem up about!" Snape had no clue what the dyke said, he couldn't speak dyke anymore. "I have to do this" the blonde girl said quietly, she raised her wand higher at Dumbledore.

Snape then ran in the middle of this mess, "No, I must do it!" he pointed his wand at his sexy domestic partner Dumbledore!

Everything got quiet again. All the lame ass people looked at Snape. Snape started to blush, this reminded him of his days as a gogo dancer.

Dumbledore looked sadley at Snape, "Serverus" He paused very dramaticlly, "Please!"

Snape was about to do it but then all time and space froze.

He looked around and saw that everyone was frozen, Snape really had no fucking clue what was happening.

Then a blue phone booth fell from the sky and landed next to the frozen Dumbledore. A hand came out of it and waved Snape inside, so Snape went inside. When Snape walked into it, the door closed behind him.

In the booth was the last person he ever thought he would see, his old potions teacher, Lady Gaga.

She grasped Snape's boob, "Serverus Snape!" She started licking him, "I am here to save the future from the mistake you were about to do!"

"Prof. Gaga" Snape was very confused, "What the fuck is happening?"

She stopped licking him and coughed out a fur ball, it was really disgusting. "Serverus Snape!" she put on some lip stick, "Tonight you shall be visited by three ghosts and..."

Snape interupted her, "Um yeah, I don't have time for this."

Lady Gaga started laughing, "Oh, we have all the time in the world". She started chanting, "Raw Raw eh eh ehhhhh, Ro Ma Ah AH AHH!"

The phone booth starting flying back into the air.


	11. The Time Warp Slutz

Chapter 11 ps how many gaga lyrics are used in this chapter

The booth flew into the sky, flashing lights were everywhere and Snape had reached a new level of confusion.

Lady Gaga fell on the floor laughing, "I'm on some great shit babies!"

Snape didn't know what to say, this whole situation was so random that he could feel the small fan supply leaving.

Finally Gaga stood up, "So Servey Baby, are you ready for me to show you how much your life would suck if you kill that one guy?"

Snape shruged, "My life already sucks"

"I know" she laughed, "But it gets worse!"

"I doubt it" Snape yelled, "Everyday I'm tortured by life, I deal with morons cuting off their balls in my class. I have worked at a school for no pay because a gay old man tells me to and I am still a virgin! Everyday I pray for the end!"

Lady Gaga was speechless for a second, "UM... Well ok, let me rephrase my statement." she smiled, "If you kill Dumbledore, you're life will be the same"

"Dameit!" Snape yelled. He thought that his life was so bad that it would get better some how.

Lady Gaga rubbed Snape's head with some weird object she pulled out of her you know where, "It's ok Frenando, Don't be a drag, just be a queen"

Snape smiled, Prof. Gaga always knew how to make him smile.

"Well lets start are tick tock tiki tok travel" She ran to some random machine and banged on it for awhile, then the door to the booth opened.

Snape walked out and saw he was in a graveyard.

Lady Gaga pointed, "You are over there!"

So he followed Gaga's fingure, this confused Snape even more, he read the tombstone out loud, "He was number one". Tears came to his eyes, of happiness.

Gaga frowned, "No thats Smitty Werbenjagermanjensen's grave" she showed her teeth, "I meant that one" she pointed to the next one.

Snape read that grave out loud, "Here lies a bald asshole" Snape screamed, "I'm going to go bald!"

"Yes" Prof. Gaga said, "If you kill yo boss then you gonna go bald"

This made Snape sad, "O, then I guess I shouldn't kill him"

"Right you are darling" Lady Gaga took Snape to the blue phone booth.

"So" Snape wondered, "This thing travels through time"

"Yes" Gaga meowed, "Thats what blue telephone booths do."

Snape was more curious than curious george, "I can go back in time and change some shit"

Lady Gaga shruged her shoulders, "Sure, we can do that"

"Wait arn't their rules that I can't do that" Snape asked.

"I don't give a fuck" She smiled, "Lets mess up the time line!"

So Lady Gaga and Snape went back in time, Snape was going to abuse this shit for Sprout's ass.

"OK" Gaga smiled, "Were here"

Snape walked out, he had traveled to the day he first met Sprout.

"Why are we by the quittage field" Snape asked.

Gaga had no fucking clue what was going on, she was too busy watching twenty girls flying around naked.

Snape sighed, on normal occasions he would love to watch the girls play, but this day was diffrent. He ran up to some fugly whore with red hair and pushed her off her broom. Then Snape flew off on it, he had to be there for when past him met Sprout.

As Snape flew, the naked girls' flew after him, they were angry that he took one of their brooms.

Snape used fancy tricks to dodged that hard nipples flying at him, but he wasn't paying attention to where he was going. He ran straight into Hagrid's hut. Everything went dark.


	12. What? Lovegood is evolving!

Chapter 12

Snape woke up with Lady Gaga on his lap. She was trying to touch his penis, Snape pushed her off.

"What the fuck happened" Snape yelled.

Gaga was tripping, "Hot bitches took your cloths"

Snape looked down and saw that he was completly naked. He hated when things like this happened.

They starred at each for awhile just siting by Hagrid's shack then finally something happened!

A totally druged up chick walked up to Snape, "Excuse me young man, can you direct me to the nearest striper pole"

"Who the hell are you!" Snape snapped.

The girl started to roll on the ground and shouted, "I'm Luna Lovegood and I love you very much"

Gaga leaned on Snape, "Lets rob this bitch"

So they did, they took her cloths and all the money in her potty training dipper. Luna just laughed and giggled while they did this.

Luna laughed, "You guys are my best friends"

"No way!" Gaga laughed, "I don't work with pussys like you.

Luna looked like she was just punched in the gut, Luna Lovegood had transformed into Latesha Loveboob. She spat blood on Prof. Gaga. And then shouted, "Yo one mean nigga!" Her druged up expression changed to a mean black lesbian one.

Gaga tried to punch Latesha but Latesha hit her with the back of her hand.

"You shitz betta be gettin off my prob, bitchez!" Latesha roared.

Lady Gaga yelled, "Who the fuck do you think you are!" she growled, "IM fucking Lady Gaga!"

Latesha snapped in a Z formation, "Yo Momma iz so stupid dat she sux on som black dick" she started to shake her junk.

"Your so mean!" Lady Gaga fell on the ground crying.

Latesha walked away with her hips swaying.

"It's ok" Snape bent down next to Gaga

Lady Gaga shivered, "Were going to murder that bitch in her sleep!"

"But what about Sprout!" Snape argued.

"I don't give a shit about your sexless life" she laughed.

Snape had to help her, without Gaga he didn't have a rid home, back to his own time line.


	13. Prepare for wet dreams

Chapter 13

Lady Gaga and Snape went to the Slytherin commen room to plan the assassination of Luna Lovegood.

"So Snape" Gaga asked, "Where does this bitch sleep"

Snape shruged, "I didn't even know that pot heads were aloud at hogwarts"

"What house is she in?" Gaga asked, "Which house is the one that dumb bitches are sorted into'

"Well it must be the lamest one" Snape then turned to some random kid, "Yo Bush Noel, What is the lamest house here?"

The boy mumbled, "Hufflepuff!" he looked uber scared.

"Huffle what now?" Snape had never heard of that one before.

"Its tower is by the green houses" the boy paused, "The one with a honey badger as their mascot.

Snape was getting super confused, "Why is it by the green houses?"

The boy rolled his eyes, "Because the fatass Sprout is their leader." The freak then ran away.

This gave Snape an idea, he could break into GhettoPufllier tower and rape Sprout, with the help of Gaga.

Lady Gaga smiled, "Well I guess we will take the penis, and kill the Luna bitch!"

Snape agreed with her.

"We will build an army and take over the tower tonight!" She screamed.

"Why don't we just sneak in there and kill her quietly?" Snape asked.

Lady Gaga slapped him, "We will take an army and kill them all!" She stood up on her chair, so everyone in the commen room could hear her. "Attention snake children! I Lady Gaga command you to join me and destroy the lame ass tower!"

All four of the slytherns in the room cheered.

"Tonight the Bitch will Die!" Lady Gaga charged out of there, the four kids followed her. Snape had to skip very fast to catch up with them.

The small army got to a long hallway, on the other side their was a portrait of Mary Kate and Ashley they guarded the entrence to the house.

Snape turned to his small army and shouted, "Bitches, Slutz, lend me your ears. We have been mistreated, insulted! by an ugly pozer. We now shall prove that we can rape no matter what. It doesn't matter if your a loser, fat, ugly, or even fugly! If you stand for rape then it doesn't matter what the hell you are. Now join me whores! As we fight for an undying goal of RAPE! NOW CHARGE!"

The four kids, Lady Gaga, and Snape ran towards the door. Prepared to fight the horniest battle of their lives.


	14. She ain't no paper gangster

Chapter 14

They ran down the hall together yelling like a bunch of wild morons, which they were.

When they got half way to the entrence Mary kate and Ashley shouted together, "Suck on my balls bitch!" Then they swung open and sixty hufflepuffs ran torwards them with their wands out.

It was lucky that hufflepuff suck or Snape could have been in trouble. The four slytherins in his army could duel all sixty of them by themselves.

Snape was killing five hufflepuffs at a time with one avada kevada curse. Lady Gaga didn't have a wand so she just made the enemy lick her toxic vajaja, instantly killing them.

After twenty minutes of battle they had killed all sixtey of the hufflepuffs without any trouble. The four slythrines ran inside and the door closed, locking out Snape and Gaga.

Mary kate and Ashlee starred at Snape with really mean eyes, they wouldn't open for him.

"You'll never guess are password!" shouted Mary kate, or maybe it was Ashlee. Snape couldn't tell them apart.

Lady Gaga stepped forward and cracked her neck, "Free BlowJobs!" she shouted.

The painting screamed and flew open, so Snape and Gaga went inside.

The Hufflepuff common room smelled like shit, it looked like a public bathroom in hooters. At one side of the room their were three doors, they all had letters on them. One door said boys, another said girls, and the last door said Sprout. Just reading her name gave Snape a boner.

Snape started to walk towards the door but then tripped on something, it was the dead bodies of the slythrines, this made Snape's boner go away.

This didn't stop Snape though, he went to the door. When he turned the knob, it wouldn't budge. The door was locked!

Snape frowned, "What the fuck!" he was very unpleased, he then started to whack the door with his wand, it wouldn't open.

"Is that albino whore in there!" Lady Gaga shouted, "Come out you BITCH!"

Then the window blew open and Letesha Loveboob came flying in on a flying dead horse, she pulled a shotgun out of her bra, "Yo Slut, Ima Herz"

Gaga charged with her nails out, but before she could jump on Loveboob, she was shot ten times in the chest by the gun, Lady Gaga fell to the floor.

Letsha then pointed the gun at Snape, "Uz next Ho!" when she pulled the trigger nothing happened, "Dameit! I shouzdz of loaded up when i was at home!" she then pulled her wand out.

Before Snape could even use his wand, she shouted, "Avadaz KaVuDoos" nothing happened.

"What the fuck!" she screamed with all her gangster rage.

Then Lady Gaga started laughing, she spoke towards Lestesha, "Because its not loyal to you" she coughed blood but didn't try to stand up, "When you were high I had sex with your wand!"

Lestesha threw her wand to the ground, "Screw this! I hase to go home and get some weponz!"

She then flew out of the room. Snape saw something flash on her chest, it was a key, Letesha had the key to Sprouts sex chamber.

Snape ran to Gaga's side, blood was rushing from her chest.

He kneeled next to Gaga she was breathing faintly, she looked at Snape and gently rubbed his penis.

"I have things to tell your litle virgin ears" she sang, "You better kill that bitch!"

Snape nodded, "But shes on a flying thing, How the hell can I follow her"

Lady Gaga then whistled very loudly, after a few minutes a unicorn broke threw a wall and walked next to Gaga.

Gaga grapped Snapes crothch very hard, "Severus Snape" she spat out a lot of blood, "I am your father!" she then passed out, for good.

Snape cried, the unicorn started licking Snape's face but then didn't help out his mood.

Finally Snape stood up, he was ready to fight.

He started to mount the unicorn, but then he noticed that he had lost his wand, "NO, How the fuck can I kill her now!" he started to cry again.

Then Lady Gaga's vijaja started to glitter, Snape put his hands down their to see what it was. Snape was shocked to see that it was the sword of gryffindor, Snape pulled it out.

Snape then jumped on the unicorn and rode it out the window.

The night was dark, when Snape started to fly in the air, it started to rain and thunder.

He then saw his target, the bitch was sitting on the tallest tower with her dead horse thingy. Snape pulled out the sword and spanked the unicorn, it accelerated in the air towards the whore.

Snape was going to kill this bitch to avenge his father, and also so he could finally get a party in his pants.


	15. The Death of Serverus Snape

Chapter 15

Snape flew above the clouds, he starred at the albino he had to kill, she was smiling. Snape really hated little girls.

Letesha Loveboob smiled, "I got to shank u!" she pulled a shank out of her ravenclaw skirt.

"Suck on this whore" he pulled out the sword of Gryffindor.

For a moment they just glided on their animals, they just starred at eachother.

Letesha flew a little closer to Snape, "Hayz, guezz wut"

Snape didn't know, "What?"

"Yo Momm's a$$ is zo big that u can fit a hippo in there" she then charged at Snape with her shank in shanking position.

Snape charged too on his rainbow unicorn, his sword raised in the air.

The second their wepons clashed thunder banged, it was truley epic.

Letesha was fast with a shank, but Snape wanted sex so bad that he could do anything. They went at eachother for hours just shanking and swinging at eachother, neither of them were getting tired.

Suddently Letesha got desprete, she jumped off her flying dead horse and landed on the head of Snape's unicorn, she shanked her shank right in Snape's chest.

"Ha" Letesha laughed, "Yo fag aint got nothing on me"

Snape coughed blood, "My hearts on the other side Bitch!" then he sung the sword of Gryffindor at her neck. Her head flew clean off. Snape laughed as Letesha's head fell to the ground. He then grapped the key off of Letesha and threw the headless body off the unicorn, he laughed the whole time.

It took Snape nearly five seconds to fly back to the Ho bag common room, he was so excited.

He unlocked Sprout's door, it was quiet, too quiet.

Then randomly Sprout jumped out of nowhere and pushed Snape to the ground, she ran out of her bedroom.

Snape chased her, but she slided into the fireplace, the second she got into it she burst into green flames, when the fire was gone their was nothing.

"Fuck fucky fuck fuck FUCK!" Snape screamed he fell to the floor and cried, he was so close.

Right before Snape gave up hope the fire place burst into green flames, two figures came out. One was McGonigal right behind her was Sprout.

McGonigal scowled at Snape, "Serverus is it true that you tried to rape a staff memeber?"

Snape cried, "Yes, but listen to me before you start to punish me" he took a breathe, "I'm a virgin, I just want sex so bad" he looked McGonigal straight in the eyes, "Havn't you ever wanted to rape?"

Her face softened, "O Serverus!" she smiled, "You remind me of when I was a little horny boy, Enjoy the rape, I'll be outside if you need me" she walked out so she could masterbait to the picture of Mary kate and Ashley.

Sprout crawled after McGonigal, "Please help me!" MgGonigal laughed and kicked Sprout then left the room.

Snape and Sprout were alone, Snape thrusted himself on Sprout. He thrusted up down up down, each time he went down it was stronger and stronger.

Sprout kept yelling no, but Snape kept thrusting, nothing was going to stop him.

Finally the grand finale came, Snape thrusted one more time and it happened!" Snape had the greatest feeling of his life, he had tears of happiness, he had finally got a party in his pants. Sprout fainted.

Snape stood up very pleased with himself. Then Snape saw something glitter in Sprout's huge ass, Snape pulled the shiny thing out, it was a locket.

He opened the heart shaped locket and saw a picture inside.

In the picture Sprout was naked, she was being kissed on the check by Lady Gaga who was also naked. Lady Gaga was holding a baby with long greasy black hair, also it had a huge ass nose. Snape gasped and threw the locket to the floor.

Sprout then whispered, "Severus" she started moaning super loudly, "I am your mother!"

Snape's whole body was shaking, he picked up the sword of Gryffindor, "Fuck my life!" he yelled. Then Snape stabbed himself right in the heart, he fell over dead.


	16. Snape Forever After!

Chapter 16

"And that's how the music video will end" Lady Gaga smiled looking at the rest of the people at the table, she waited for all the praise, but none came.

A nerd with glasses broke the akward silence, "Um Gaga" he pursed his lips together, "that was intresting"

"I know!" Gaga laughed, "I worked on it for months!"

A fat women spoke, "What does this have to do with pokerface?"

A confused looking man spoke, "What the fuck was this?"

Lady Gaga banged her fists on the table, "You morons are closed minded" she started screaming, "This is an artistic master piece!"

"Why does it follow this Snape guy for the first whole half of it?" the guy with glasses asked.

Gaga pulled out some weed and started to smoke it, "Just start making the amazing music video!"

"Gaga we have let you get away with some crap, but this.." the man paused, "This is the most stupid random shit I have ever heard.

Lady Gaga had enough of these fools, she stood up and walked out, as she walked she smiled, "Fuck you unartistic bitches!"

Gaga got home and smoked a lot of pot, she didn't understand why this idea failed. She then laughed and stood up. "Fuck the epic party in snape's pants music video idea! Im gonna make a meat dress!" she skipped out of her apartment smiling.

**THE END**


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